Saturday, November 20, 2010

Enjoying the Ride yet?

Lately these days seem like an emotional roller coaster.
I love the days when things seem to come together nicely...
I hold on to the good news and try to stay positive.

Its harder than it seems because at times there are more bad than good.
The ups and downs literally keep my head spinning.
I just wonder when this ride will be over...
I am thankful to be able to afford this ticket though.
I know there are so many women out there who can't.
I get that being able to try is a blessing alone.

This week I started my fourth cycle.
The excitement that existed when I first started is not there anymore.
My heart feels so heavy...

My clock is ticking so loud it wakes me up at times.
I want my baby boy(s) or girl(s)
So all I can do is continue my little ride.

I will patiently wait for it to come to an end. 
I know it will be worth it.
And a new journey will begin.

**Thanks to everyone for their support. This is such an emotional time for us all and it really helps to have people you can root for and that you know are rooting for you!
Baby bust to us all.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Follow the Light

I remember when I found a doctor that would finally listen.
After being rejected  by at least 4 doctors, I found him.
When everyone else told me to cut both tubes out, he told me he would try to save them.
In return, I felt like he was truly saving me from the sorrow.  

Never did I want to give up the hope that I could get pregnant "naturally"
There was a voice in my head telling me to not listen to the doctors,
that there was hope for me and husband.

I am so happy that I listened to that voice because it lead me to Dr. P.

Even though it took 5 long months to get the surgery...
Even though he could not save both tubes...

One was worth saving...
Like me.

The left tube was strong and yet fragile,
Like me.

Functional but so dysfunctional,
Like me.

It took months but finally:
There was a light at the end of the tunnel and thank God I decided to follow it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Dark Chapter

They say "Time flies when your having fun."
Can you imagine how slow life can be when you're walking through a living nightmare?
Bilateral Tubal Blockage, dysfunctional tubes...
It haunted me at night and followed me throughout every waking moment.

Those next few months I felt so inhuman no wait, unladylike. 
The hole in me grew.
Women make babies. Its our life.
The hole in me grew.
If am not a woman. What am I?
The hole in me grew. 

Every doctor we went to simply deepened the wound.
It was a dark time for me.
I lost friends because I shut them out for not understanding what I was going through.
They told me there are miracles in God.
Although I felt unworthy who would know a miracle was indeed on its way.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

What's the big secret?

I thought I was alone in the world when I found out a year ago...
I didn't think there was a soul on the earth that would understand...
I looked at my doctors back as he gave me the news and walked out the door...
Im not dying..physically. I dont have some rare disease that will leave me in a corpse...
The nurse just look at me and gave me a number to a new doctor...
She saw the tears about to explode from my she rushed me out the door...
The breeze hit me around the same time as the stream of water hit my chin...

And there she was. Some random stranger holding her beautiful child in her arms. Looking at me with such pity.
The thoughts begin..."What about me?" "Why me!"

By the time I could get my husband on the phone, my words were scrambled and unclear.
My husbands voice begin to grow sharp with alarm and I knew I had to get it together.
So I uttered the words aloud.

"He said we have to cut out both of my fallopian tubes"